


as the sweetapple reddens

by JayofDiamonds



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: F/F, Gen, Growing Up, Mentioned GOT7 Ensemble, alternate universe - they're girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26092255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayofDiamonds/pseuds/JayofDiamonds
Summary: Jaehee's winding journey towards adulthood, self-acceptance, and Jinri.(Although to be honest, Jinri had been right by her side all along.)
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	as the sweetapple reddens

**Author's Note:**

> title from sappho 105a, naturally 
> 
> thank you to forochel and marty for grammar help and encouragement!! this fic was originally for a fic fest, and as other authors are beginning to go ahead and post their fics from this fest independently, I thought I might as well too
> 
> Jaehee is Jaebeom; Jinri is Jinyoung. hopefully the other names are self-explanatory!
> 
> !!!! warning for internalized misogyny, menstruation & associating it with “womanhood” !!!!

Before Jaehee liked girls, she hated them.

When Jaehee was eleven, she declared herself not like other girls. _Other girls_ were outgrowing the rough-and-tumble days of childhood. They started worrying about looking nice, and what boys thought of them. In a grand show of rebellion, Jaehee wore baggy boys’ clothes and got dirty and got into fights and never brushed her hair. 

It was a year of many compromises between her and her mother. Jaehee didn’t have to wear a dress to church anymore, but she had to be clean, neat, and presentable. Jaehee had to brush her hair if it was long, but her mother also gave her the option of cutting it all off. Jaehee chose the latter, and ended up with what her mother called a “pixie cut”, and what the kids at school uncharitably called “boy’s hair”.

Being called a tomboy, or even sometimes, just a boy, brought Jaehee a confusing mix of emotions. It felt like something that fit her better than anything else had before. But it still didn’t fit quite _right_ , and the sneers on the faces of her classmates when they called her that (and worse) left a sour anger in Jaehee’s stomach.

To say middle school was difficult for Jaehee would be an understatement. Her grade seven class seemed to neatly divide itself between boys and girls, and it left Jaehee somewhere in the middle. Jaehee could hardly associate with the girls, with their light-wash bootcut jeans and pink lip gloss and Taylor Swift music. But associating with the boys would have been even worse. Neither side liked her very much anyway. 

But it was fine. Jaehee was fine being alone. Prefered it, even. Her uncle had bought her a purple ipod nano when he visited that summer, so she sat alone at lunch with her earbuds jammed in her ears; listening to Evanescence, her nose in a book, eating a cafeteria-bought meat patty. She didn’t like bringing her mother’s homemade food to school anymore, even though she could see it upset her mother. Sushi wasn’t trendy enough yet to let her mother’s kimbap slip under the radar.

Some lunch periods Jaehee had to meet with the guidance counselor, who asked her how she was doing that week over a peaceful board game. Ever since her parents had got divorced in grade five, she had had to have weekly appointments. Especially with her _temper_ , a subject the middle school’s guidance counselor annoyingly tiptoed around. 

Then, halfway through grade seven, Jaehee’s life went through a change perhaps just as monumental as her parent’s divorce three years earlier. That change came in the form of a harmless-looking girl called Jinri Park.

When Jaehee first met Jinri, she hated her more than any other girl. Perfect little Jinri from church, with her beautiful sleek black hair and pretty girly clothes. She first trotted into the church bazaar in her sensible black mary-janes when Jaehee was helping her mother set out the food. The Park family was newly arrived in Canada, so the church community welcomed them, and Jaehee nearly spilled her mother’s seolleongtang at the sight of the three lovely Park sisters strung along after their mother like ducklings.

Of course there were other girls at church. Nice Korean girls, as Jaehee’s mother would say, not like the girls at school. Like Jinri, they all had long hair and they all wore pretty dresses to church and their mothers all had husbands. Jaehee shunned their friendship, not that it was ever offered. But Jinri’s family had moved into a house a few streets over from hers, and so fate thrust Jinri upon Jaehee like one of the plagues of Egypt. 

Yes. Jaehee hated Jinri Park.

Unfortunately, Jinri felt quite the opposite about Jaehee, and latched onto her with her tiny kitten claws when introduced. Of course Jaehee’s mother conspired against her, eager for Jaehee to make a friend her age. Jinri was asked over for sleepovers and afterschool snacks, quite without Jaehee’s permission, and Jinri accepted every invitation.

Jaehee could easily avoid any of the other nice Korean church girls during the week, but tragically Jinri’s house was in the catchment area for her school. Suddenly Jinri’s pretty little bunny-toothed smile was everywhere, and it was always pointed at Jaehee.

So Jaehee gritted her teeth and endured Jinri’s wide-eyed curiosity and tentative gestures of friendship. As much as she wanted to be rid of Jinri and return to her true calling as mysterious edgy loner, Jaehee couldn’t bear to be cruel to Jinri, especially not at school. With Jinri’s stumbling English and hand-me-down clothes, the other kids had cruelty covered. 

And somehow, Jinri wormed her way into Jaehee’s heart. Seeing Jinri’s sweet little round face lit up in a smile made Jaehee’s spirit soar, and whenever they would part, Jaehee found herself looking forward to the next time they’d see each other. Whenever Jinri would laugh, a shy little giggle behind her hand, Jaehee would find herself laughing too in breathless elation. 

Without meaning to, Jaehee had made a friend, which was both pleasing and distressing to her. Jinri seemed so delicate, like a pretty little flower, and Jaehee was rough and abrasive. Like a lawn-mower. She had to learn how to be gentle around Jinri, and though at first Jaehee didn’t notice it, Jinri was learning from her too.

As nervous as her budding friendship with Jinri made her, Jaehee would quickly come to be grateful for the ally as the two of them soon faced the most daunting trial known to girl. 

Puberty.

Despite her penchant for shapeless clothes, Jaehee had no problems with her body. It never failed her in a fight, and she could outrun any boy in their gym class. The thought of her body changing scared her immensely. Growing taller, she would love. But some of the other girls were already developing… Jaehee didn’t even want to _think_ the word. She couldn’t hide her pink cheeks whenever Jinri so matter-of-factly mentioned _breasts_ or _brassieres_. Jinri never teased her for it, her own cheeks like little red apples despite her businesslike tone.

Some girls were already wearing them, and boys would reach invading fingers over and snap their bra straps through the back of their shirt. Jaehee hated the thought of making herself so vulnerable. 

Jinri could see her discomfort clearly, and brought one of her sister’s magazines over one day. In it, beautiful women posed in sports bras and baggy shorts, mid-dribble in a basketball game or mid-swing in a tennis game, skin gleaming with sweat. Jinri delicately explained that sports bras were cool and not at all girly, and Jaehee nodded solemnly, entranced by the women in the pictures.

Jaehee’s mother happily took her shopping for an inoffensive sports bra, and none of the boys were ever stupid enough to test her. Jinri was not so lucky, stuffed unceremoniously into her sister’s old training bras even as she… ahem… _outgrew_ them. (Although boys quickly learned they’d have to answer to Jaehee if they tried anything _funny_ with Jinri.)

Every hallmark of Womanhood _(shudder)_ seemed to hit Jinri like a truck, and Jaehee like a light spring breeze. While Jinri… _blossomed_ , Jaehee’s chest stayed reassuringly flat, sporting what she would affectionately come to call her pair of halved lemons. (As opposed to melons, she would readily explain with a chortle at sixteen.) Jinri’s first period was one of the most terrifying events of middle school, and Jaehee didn’t get hers until she was fifteen.

Jinri’s first period struck when they were in the last year of middle school, sitting in the cafeteria after school for a choir rehearsal. They were sat at the back together, listening to the music teacher give her notes, like any other day. It wasn’t until rehearsal broke and Jinri stood that the horror began. With a gasp, Jaehee tugged Jinri back down to sit, hiding the crime scene. All down the back of her skirt, pooling on the bench, was dark red blood. Like an epiphany, Jaehee knew what it was—Jinri had been complaining of stomach pain all day.

“It’s wet…” Jinri said, confused, and Jaehee whispered in reply, “You’re bleeding.”

Horror-stricken, Jinri gasped, tears springing to her eyes. “Through my skirt?”

Jaehee nodded, lips tight in fear, and Jinri’s chin wobbled as she tried to hold back tears of humiliation. The cafeteria was quickly emptying, and Jinri’s distraught face brought a surge of protectiveness over Jaehee. Pulling off her sweater, Jaehee tied it around Jinri’s waist so it hung over the stain on the back of her skirt, despite her tearful protests of it getting stained too.

Then when the cafeteria was empty, they made their escape. Jaehee wrapped a protective arm around Jinri’s shoulders and escorted her out of the school. The school bathrooms were already closed, so Jaehee kept Jinri cornered and hidden on the public bus until they reached their stop. Valiantly, Jinri tried not to cry, although she let out a few pitiful murmurs about how angry her mother was going to be and how bad she felt for the janitor at school.

When Jaehee finally delivered Jinri home, Jinri’s older sisters cackled and said in a teasing tone the words that were once said to them too:

“ _You’re a woman now, Jinri._ ” 

And Jinri cried and cried. Her mother _was_ angry about her ruined clothes, and quickly shooed Jaehee out of the house to tend to the mess.

Jaehee didn’t see Jinri the next day, and as she sat alone in the lunchroom again, she wondered if Jinri would be different. If being a Woman would change her. Make her not want to be Jaehee’s friend anymore maybe. Jaehee’s own mother gave her pitying looks, now that her friend was a woman and she was still a lanky little tomboy.

Yet when Jinri returned to school the day after, she was sullen but the same. She primly tucked her hair behind her big ears like she always did, and told Jaehee of the horrors of menstruation. How terribly lucky she was that she hadn’t gotten hers yet. Jaehee couldn’t help but agree. Though everyone besides Jinri seemed to pity her for it, Jaehee was glad she wasn’t a woman.

When her own bloody milestone came in high school, it was so patchy and intermittent nobody made a big deal about it. Her mother knew better than to break out the “You’re A Woman Now” fireworks, and Jaehee was still too awkward around her new step-father to apprise him of the situation. As for Jinri, she simply sighed and groaned in jealousy at Jaehee’s cramp-free, two-day, once-every-four-month period, and always had a spare pad in her bag for when Jaehee was inevitably caught off guard. Which she always was.

Another milestone came in high school. Their liberal, hippie arts high school had girls of all shapes and sizes, and Jaehee realized, like a brilliant flash of inspiration, that she didn’t hate girls. She liked them. Quite a lot actually. 

As life-changing as the realization was, it was also terribly simple.

There were nice girls and tall girls, rough girls and small girls. And there was a kinship of all being at a new school at once. Of course Jaehee had Jinri by her side, but only at lunch. In all her classes, Jaehee’s eye wandered, indulging in the revelation, and making some new friends along the way.

The first was Jackie Wang, who sat decisively beside Jaehee on the first day of science class and introduced herself loudly. The way her scruffy black hair stuck out from under her snapback endeared her to Jaehee instantly, followed by the way she gagged spectacularly at her full name being called out in attendance. Jackie wasn’t retiring or girly (although Jaehee had long since found herself taking a more charitable view on girliness). And somehow, despite her wide popularity, Jackie chose Jaehee and Jinri to eat lunch with every day. She folded Jaehee and Jinri under her wing and they became a growing rag-tag little group of friends.

Growing, because a month later, Jinri invited a fourth to eat lunch with them in the form of the quietly lovely Marcie Tuan. Intimidated by her beauty, Jaehee and Jackie ate that first lunch in cowed silence. Marcie had long tidy hair like Jinri’s, prettily done make-up, and expensive clothes like a model. She seemed far out of their league, and Jaehee’s heart sunk to think that Jinri might leave her and Jackie in the dust for the glamorous Marcie. But neither of them left, and after Jinri scolded Jaehee and Jackie for being so unwelcoming, Marcie slotted right into their dynamic with ease, not being nearly as quiet, docile, _or_ neat as she first appeared. 

Besides her new outlook on life (girls), Jaehee didn’t consider herself changed. She still wore “boy’s clothes”, loose and shapeless and comfortable. She still was quicker with her fists than her words. Her new favourite phrase was “suck my dick”, which she used liberally at school. (There was something grand and bold about saying it that went above the usual thrill of swearing.) She still only scraped by in classes, her sharp intelligence saving her when her attention span and interest let her down.

But Jinri changed. Something about the way she held herself, how she wore her clothes, the way she spoke. The way she tied her hair up in gym class; head tilted to show the delicate back of her neck, hands running through her silky black hair, back arched to show the shape of her figure. Suddenly Jinri took up space, and just as suddenly, boys started to notice her. Like the girls, the boys at their high school were different from the ones at their middle school. Polite boys, respectful boys. 

(Boys still not good enough for Jinri, as far as Jaehee was concerned, and she gritted her teeth to see their eyes admiring her. To have them even _glance_ at Jinri while she was looking particularly handsome or wearing a shorter skirt that day made Jaehee’s skin crawl.)

Jaehee feared she and Jinri would only grow further and further apart. It wasn’t just that Jaehee was stagnant in her messy short hair and baggy clothes while Jinri was becoming a woman. Jaehee delved into reading more, joining the journalism club, and Jinri joined the girls’ volleyball team with Jackie. Jaehee dozed through visual arts classes, and Jinri was dazzling the drama department. 

To high school Jaehee, these differences seemed the death knell of their friendship. The only thing that kept them together was surely their wider friend group, and Jinri’s innate shyness. One day, Jaehee was sure Jinri would realize she didn’t need a scruffy little tomboy as a friend. With her beauty, her delicate but earnestly caring nature, Jinri could have anyone.

In the first year of high school, Jaehee’s grades plummeted, her mind abuzz with these fears of losing Jinri, and full of the stimulus of the wide world of girls. 

Jaehee didn’t tell anyone about girls at first, not even Jinri. It wasn’t like other secrets. Eventually, Jaehee would know she wanted to tell everyone. But at first, she wanted to hold it close and private, and rest her chin on her hand in classes to admire everything she could about girls. 

Their shy laughs, the way they tucked their hair behind their ears, their rosy cheeks, the wispy hairs at the back of their neck. Thinking about girls made Jaehee feel astonishingly clumsy and oafish in the best of ways. Like finding a delicate flower growing in the middle of your lawn, and having to remember not to step on it, or run the mower over it.

It seemed so simple at first, but Jaehee quickly learned this whole “liking girls” business was a bit more complex than she anticipated. Marcie was the oldest of the four of them, and the worldliest. And she had a little rainbow pin on her backpack. Jinri explained, in her matter-of-fact way, that it was a pride flag when she caught Jaehee staring, and Marcie shrugged and said, “I’m gay, so yeah.”

And that was apparently the end of it, for everyone but Jaehee. The bold colours seemed to taunt her. When they were all invited over to Marcie’s big house to play video games, Jaehee couldn’t tear her eyes away from the small but brilliant pride flag on the wall of Marcie’s room.

It seemed that there were a whole lot of people like Marcie (and Jaehee), and they had names and flags all their own. Jaehee already knew some of the nastier names from middle school, but there were so many nice ones too. Ones that fit Jaehee just right, like being a “tomboy”. It felt like too much too soon to call herself anything aloud, but hearing the word spoken gave her a little thrill all the same.

Along with the words and the flags and the wider community of people, Jaehee learned that it… wasn’t _normal_ to like girls. Marcie insisted it was, with a knowledgeable conviction twinkling in her eyes, but it became clear to Jaehee that not everyone shared that opinion. For many people, it was _abnormal_. 

And what if Jinri was one of those people? What if telling her would be the final thing that drove her away from Jaehee?

But to tell anyone else before Jinri seemed wrong. Jinri was always the first to know anything about Jaehee. So in the summer between grade nine and grade ten, Jaehee told Jinri.

Jackie was in Hong Kong visiting her extended family, and Marcie was away at gymnastics meets most of that summer, so it was just Jinri and Jaehee again. They fell back into it easily, sprawled on the grass in Jaehee’s backyard, laughing and talking and eating watermelon slices, and it calmed Jaehee’s nerves. That no matter how much they grew, how different they became, they would always have the comfort of each other.

The day Jaehee told Jinri, a summer storm had rolled in, driving them inside with the fans cranked up high against the heat. Jinri was wearing a yellow spaghetti-strap top, the kind she was too shy to wear at school, and Jaehee was reading aloud from a book on their summer reading list. When her voice got too croaky from overuse, they sat on the floor of Jaehee’s bedroom drinking lemonade.

“Hey, Jinri?” Jaehee broke the humid silence, voice raspy and quiet.

“Aren’t you supposed to be resting your voice?” Jinri chided from where she was lying on her stomach on the floor, not looking up from the magazine laid out before her. 

Pausing to take another sip of her lemonade, Jaehee watched the way Jinri’s long legs moved as she swung them back and forth through the air. Jaehee knew how self-conscious Jinri was about them—her thighs were too fat, her hair grew in too dark—but Jaehee never understood how Jinri could say such unkind things about herself. Especially when her thighs were perfectly sized in Jaehee’s opinion, and Jinri shaved her legs religiously anyway. 

As if hypnotized by the swinging motion of Jinri’s legs, Jaehee began to speak. “You know how Marcie… how she likes girls, instead of boys?” 

“Yes?” Jinri answered distractedly, turning the page of her magazine.

“I think I do too.” The words stung Jaehee’s sore throat, but it felt right that they did.

And suddenly, Jaehee had Jinri’s undivided attention as she rolled over to fix Jaehee with a piercing look. After a pause, heavy and sticky in the heat, Jinri sat up and crossed her legs. Her lips pursed thoughtfully, eyes drifting away from Jaehee.

Jaehee's hands were so sweaty she worried she might drop her lemonade.

“Sorry, Jaehee,” Jinri said bashfully, “I’m just not sure what I should say. Have you told anyone else?”

“Not yet.”

“Then… thank you for trusting me.”

“Of course,” Jaehee replied stiffly.

“Unnie...” Jinri shuffled closer on her knees, and reached her hands out to take Jaehee’s. “Is there something else? What’s wrong?”

“I just… thought it would be a bigger deal. You don’t think it’s weird?”

Jinri shrugged awkwardly. “No. Do you want me to make a big deal out of it?”

“I guess not,” Jaehee huffed out a little laugh in relief.

“I’m glad you told me,” Jinri said earnestly. “My first reaction was to say congratulations, but that didn’t seem… like the correct response. Sorry if I was weird about it.”

But Jinri wasn’t weird about it, and she continued to not be weird about it. It might have been anticlimactic, if Jaehee didn’t feel so elated to have told Jinri. Someone else knowing made it so real, especially because that someone was Jinri. When Jinri teased Jaehee about the little crushes she got, it felt so normal.

Middle school Jaehee would abhor the concept. Her? _Normal?_ Perish the thought! As a sticker on her notebook read, _normal is just a setting on the washing machine_. But _this_ normal felt good.

Sometimes Jaehee wished Jinri would be a little _more_ weird about it. She would still stick her butt out and ask if Jaehee could see the shape of her pad through her skirt. She still felt far too comfortable getting changed when Jaehee was _right there_. Jinri’s slender waist and soft stomach reminded Jaehee of the statues of Aphrodite at the museum. Though it felt wrong, Jaehee couldn’t always stop her eyes from lingering. 

But Jinri only blushed and rolled her eyes whenever Marcie or Jackie would compliment her body, so eventually Jaehee learned to relax again around her friends. 

(Still, there was something different about Jinri’s familiar form in the private sanctity of Jaehee’s room. Not like the nude models in Jaehee’s grade eleven life drawing class. With her hand cramping and smeared with conté, it was possibly the least sexy display of the naked human body. Not that Jaehee thought Jinri was sexy. Well… Whatever. Jackie said she was and Jaehee couldn’t disagree.)

Soon Marcie and Jackie knew about Jaehee’s _tastes_ too, albeit a little more organically than the stumbling confession to Jinri. Jaehee leaned into it, accepted by the welcoming atmosphere of their high school. And to be fair, she couldn’t lean much further in, with her hair already short and her clothes already boyish. Marcie joked that they should’ve seen it coming, and looking back, Jaehee couldn’t help but agree.

Her mother and step-father were less of a stumbling block than Jaehee anticipated, so perhaps even they had seen it coming. In a mortifying show of vulnerability, Jaehee had cried when they pulled her into a reassuring hug. 

Slowly Jaehee settled into her new identity, and it was like finding out the house she lived in had a solid foundation under it after all. She endured the embarrassing “I love my gay daughter” posts from her parents on facebook, let her hair grow down to her shoulders and dyed it every colour under the sun. Soon she had her own flags to hang on her bedroom wall, her own pins to lose on the subway to school. She dated her first girlfriend in grade eleven, a girl from another school, and it didn’t go well. 

But it felt normal.

Jaehee’s grades still wavered with her attention span, but she started paying more attention in her visual arts class. Made some new friends. Got into photography. Became head of the journalism club, the same year Jackie was elected student president and Jinri bagged the lead role in the musical. 

By the time they graduated high school Jackie had come out too, and Jinri remained the last bastion of heterosexuality in their friend group, even including the set of underclassmen they’d collected. Yugyeong cried big fat tears at their graduation, Bambi claimed to be allergic to her new eyeliner, and Youngji scoffed at the lot of them for their blubbering.

Jaehee tried to stay strong, but the thought of leaving everyone was more difficult than she ever thought it would be. 

Marcie was taking a year off, and planned to travel. Jackie was going to study veterinary science in _Guelph_ for god's sake. At least Youngji, Bambi, and Yugyeong were trapped in Toronto until they finished high school.

Come September, Jaehee would be studying photography and illustration at OCAD. Her mother had still been holding out a small hope that Jaehee would pursue journalism at a university, but she busted open Jaehee’s RESP for an esteemed arts college all the same.

The middle Park sister had boldly decided to go into fashion design after high school, so the pressure on Jinri to go to a good university was crushing. Luckily for Jinri and Jaehee, the biggest university in the country was already in their city. And lucky for Jinri’s parents, who were not about to shell out for on-campus living, the commute was only an hour.

After bidding a tearful goodbye to Jackie at the end of the summer, Jaehee and Jinri descended into the unfamiliar world of post-secondary education. For the first two months, they barely got to see each other. They couldn’t even commute together, and the sudden hectic schedule drove them to isolation. 

They still texted, sent thumbs up emojis in the group chat when Bambi sent yet another meme that Jaehee frankly did not understand. Sent updates whenever Jackie clamoured for them, which was constantly.

Jaehee was better at making friends than the last time she was an edgy loner sitting by herself in a school cafeteria. Friendships in college seemed to be a lot more transactional than in high school, all about buying lunches and relaying assignment information. She went on a few dates, which generally led to a new acquaintance rather than a new girlfriend.

By the time winter holidays rolled around, Jaehee felt like she hadn’t seen her friends’ faces for a year. After everyone’s exams were over, the seven of them gathered at Jaehee’s, as Marcie’s family was in the middle of moving house. They crammed into Jaehee’s room and sprawled over her furniture, making it feel even more like home. Jaehee had to quickly readjust to being in such a loud room.

It wasn’t until Youngji asked what was new with Jinri that the mood dropped for Jaehee.

“David Kim asked me out,” Jinri said, and a strange tension strung itself across Jaehee’s heart. David Kim was a name that had come up before.

“When do we get to meet him?” Bambi teased.

Jinri gave her a scornful look. “I didn’t say yes.”

“ _Why not??_ ” Jackie cried dramatically as Yugyeong gasped, “You turned him down?” 

“I barely know him.”

“That’s what you always say!” Jackie groaned, throwing herself on the bed beside Jinri. “You go on a date to _get_ to know him! Besides, you’ve been working together in the Korean Canadian student union for _months_ Jinri, you’re such a liar.”

“I don’t want to get to know him,” Jinri said brusquely.

“You _never_ want to,” Jackie whined. “You never even tell us who you _do_ want to get to know.”

“Yeah…” Jaehee agreed slowly, realizing it’s true. “You never talk about crushes with us. You know you can, right?”

“Yes,” Jinri answered stiffly. “I know.”

“Ew, speak for yourself,” Bambi said, rolling her eyes. “I don’t want to hear about Jinri’s probably awful taste in guys.”

“So what was up with David?” Marcie asked as Youngji smothered Bambi with a pillow. 

“Oh. It’s just annoying. I thought we were friendly, but he just wanted a nice Korean girl to wife up and take back home to Korea.”

“Disgusting!” Jackie exclaimed with a frown, leaning over to cling to Jinri’s arm in a silent apology for earlier. “Thank _god_ you rejected him. Looks like you know him as well as you’ll ever need to.”

As the others began to move on with the conversation, Jaehee’s mind lingered. Not once had Jinri ever come to them gushing about a crush on some boy. Not even just to Jaehee. And Jaehee has shared every crush, big or little, with Jinri. When her failed high school romance had been in its death throes, there was no shoulder better than Jinri’s for Jaehee to cry on.

So after the others left, Jaehee looked thoughtfully at Jinri where she sat on Jaehee’s messy bed. “Jinri… Are you uncomfortable talking about boys with us? Just because we don’t like them doesn’t mean we can’t talk about them. If you like one.”

“Jackie likes boys sometimes,” Jinri hedged.

“Jinri.”

“ _Jaehee_ ,” Jinri used the same tone mockingly, before rolling her eyes. “If I liked a boy, I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable bringing him up.”

“Okay.” Jaehee paused, eyeing Jinri’s tense shoulders, the thin line of her lips pursed together in irritation. No matter what she said aloud, Jaehee could tell Jinri was clearly uncomfortable with _something_. She could always tell. “Okay… You just have high standards. Understandable.”

Jaehee and Jinri have always been comfortable with silence, unlike other members of their friend group, but Jaehee knew how to smoke answers out of Jinri. So she sat in her desk chair and waited. But the animal that came running out of Jinri’s mouth wasn’t at all what Jaehee was expecting.

“Unnie…” Jinri said quietly, like her breath was caught in her throat. “I like girls.” 

_WHAT?_ Jaehee remembers thinking. Mind blank, except for that one loud thought. 

It just couldn’t be right. 

Jinri… Jinri had never liked a boy for as long as Jaehee had known her. Even when boys started liking her. But it just didn’t seem _right_. Jinri was the last bastion of heterosexuality in their friend group! The straight friend!

It felt so _different_ from the others. Jaehee felt so… angry about it. How long had Jinri known and not told her? Did Jinri not trust her? _Jinri_ , whom Jaehee trusted with everything.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jaehee finally said, realizing she had been letting the silence drag on for too long.

In her lap, Jinri’s hands were twisting together so tightly her knuckles were white. “I’m telling you now.”

“You know what I mean.” Jaehee tried to keep her voice level, fierce gaze boring into Jinri’s downturned eyes.

“I don’t know. It didn’t seem… important.”

“It didn’t seem _important?_ How can-”

“I mean for me,” Jinri cut in sharply, already anticipating Jaehee’s flare of anger. “It’s not the same for me, as it is for you. In high school, I thought maybe I didn’t like anyone. You got crushes on girls all the time, you still do, but I didn’t, I still don’t. So I thought… I must be even more different. I know I’m not interested in men, but even my interest in women is mostly theoretical. I’ve never _been_ with anyone like you have.”

Jaehee’s righteous anger drained out of her like leftover rainwater. Hesitantly, feeling like that lawnmower running over a precious flower, Jaehee went to sit beside Jinri.

“Jinri…” Jaehee rubbed her neck regretfully. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It doesn’t sound the same. I knew for a long time. But even I felt… unsure and insecure when I first told you. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I guess I was just… disappointed. If you were struggling like that, I wish I could’ve helped.”

“I’m sorry too. It’s not that I didn’t trust you—you know I do, all the other things I burden you with. I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case I wasn’t… I don’t know.”

“Then let’s not make a big deal out of it,” Jaehee said, even though she had just been making it a big deal. She reached over and took Jinri’s hands in hers, settling their restless wringing. 

And that part was normal. Hugging Jinri and feeling the tension melt from her body. Jaehee’s mother inviting Jinri to stay for dinner. Jinri insisting she help with the washing up afterwards. All normal, familiar, calming.

Yet something in Jaehee’s world had shifted with Jinri’s confession. She just wasn’t sure _what_ yet.

She went back to classes in January and suffered through another birthday full of phone calls from distant relatives. Somehow, January stretched on until it felt even longer and bleaker than the three and half months before the break. It was always dark when Jaehee came home. It was freezing and the streets were always full of dirty slush.

But the cold winter wouldn’t last.

Jinri cracked first, and in February, she showed up on Jaehee’s doorstep. Bewildered, Jaehee let her in out of the snow-dampened darkness, and Jinri quickly bullied her way into Jaehee’s arms. 

“Jinri? What’s wrong?”

“I’m just… I just miss you.” Jinri paused to sniff, wrapped up in her winter clothes and in Jaehee’s arms. “You and everyone. I miss high school. I miss acting, and having fun. I hate university.”

“Here, come in first,” Jaehee grunted, pushing the door closed behind Jinri and helping her tug her coat off.

After Jinri had politely greeted Jaehee’s parents, Jaehee escorted her up to her room with a pot of tea. “You’ve made friends, haven’t you?”

“No. It’s so _hard_ , Unnie,” Jinri confessed tearfully, huddled up against Jaehee’s side on the edge of her bed. “I’m bad at reaching out, I’m bad at staying in touch. There’s just so many people.”

“Jinri…” Jaehee murmured sympathetically, setting their tea aside to pull her in for another hug. Jinri relaxed into it instantly, and Jaehee’s heart ached to realize how much she missed Jinri too. She just couldn’t survive like this. “Let’s make an appointment.”

“...what?”

“I mean… what’s your timetable like? We could schedule a time every week,” Jaehee said, leaning back to look into Jinri’s face. “When should we meet up?”

Jinri’s eyes lit up with excitement, and then with more glistening tears. “I… have a two hour break between classes on Thursday. It’s a waste of time to go home so I just sit around on campus… we could have lunch?”

“That works for me too. It’s a date then,” Jaehee agreed, heart soaring at the simple prospect of seeing Jinri once a week. 

And they stuck to it. Seeing each other during the week sometimes led to them making plans on the weekend. Sometimes the stars aligned and they managed to get Youngji, Yugyeong, and Bambi out with them too.

Though Jinri continued to struggle with adjusting to university, Jaehee hoped their lunches together helped lift her spirits. They worked wonders for Jaehee, whose winter miseries were driven away by Jinri’s warm smile across the table. 

Either way, Jaehee was glad to see April as it marked the end of their first year.

It was April when the consequences of their weekly meetings hit Jaehee, in the form of a polite looking guy called Wonpil. 

“Hey,” he called while she was walking across the university campus alone, and Jaehee had ignored him, as she did whenever unfamiliar men addressed her. But persistently, he caught up and tilted his head curiously. “You… sorry, but are you Jinri’s girlfriend?”

Oh.

Jaehee wondered how he had gotten this impression. Had Jinri said that? Maybe he had asked her out and she wanted to let him down easily. Jaehee wasn’t about to ruin the excuse, so she stopped and raised a menacing eyebrow at him. “Yeah, why?”

“Oh, good, I thought I recognized you! I’m Wonpil, Jinri and I are in the same Shakespeare class. I wanted to return her notes that she lent me, but she wasn’t in class today,” he said, extending Jinri’s sensible notebook for Jaehee to take.

“She’s sick,” Jaehee explained shortly, even though the truth was that Jinri didn’t want to read _Henry V_.

Wonpil smiled and brought his freed hands to awkwardly hold the strap of his shoulder bag where it crossed his chest. “I hope she feels better soon.”

“She told you that?” Jaehee asked suddenly, a strange feeling overcoming her. “That I’m her girlfriend?”

“Oh,” Wonpil’s eyes bugged out of his head for a moment, “ _no_ , sorry. I just see you two sometimes in the Dining Hall together. And… on her phone background. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s fine,” Jaehee grunted and made her escape, carefully tucking Jinri’s notebook into her bag.

But two weeks later Jinri stormed into Jaehee’s room and made it clear that it certainly was _not_ fine. She dumped her bag on Jaehee’s desk chair and put her hands on her hips like she was about to ground Jaehee for not tidying her room. Half lying down on her bed, Jaehee simply blinked at her in baffled confusion.

“ _Jaehee_ ,” Jinri hissed in a shockingly good imitation of Jaehee’s mother when she’s annoyed. “Why did you tell Wonpil you’re my girlfriend?”

“Hello,” Jaehee muttered half-heartedly before processing what Jinri was saying. “Oh. I thought _you_ told him that.”

Jinri crossed her arms and sighed in exasperation. “Why would I tell him that?”

“He came up to me on the street and asked if I was your girlfriend.”

“So you just said _yes?_ ”

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Jaehee said in an entirely unapologetic tone, “am I not good enough to be your girlfriend?”

Jinri’s chin wobbled. “I didn’t say that.”

Sighing, Jaehee sat up properly on the edge of her bed. “Look, I thought maybe you told him that because he was asking you out or something. Turns out he just caught us having lunch together and saw your mushy lockscreen.”

“Oh.” Jinri’s shoulders curled inwards in some kind of shame, face closing off. “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind,” Jaehee blurted out, and Jinri’s gaze snapped up in shock.

“You don’t mind… people thinking we’re dating?”

Well, if that didn’t just strike right at the heart of the matter. Jaehee realized then that she didn’t mind. Not at all. If anything, she liked the thought. She liked the thought very much.

“I don’t mind,” Jaehee said with a shrug, and sometimes she wasn't as careful with her words as she ought to be. Jinri had always known Jaehee well enough to read between the lines of her words. “I like people thinking that.”

Silence reigned for a moment and despite Jinri’s frozen face, Jaehee could see the cogs turning in her head.

Then suddenly Jaehee had a lapful of Jinri, her arms coming up automatically to Jinri’s waist to stabilize her. And Jinri was leaning in, and Jinri was kissing her, clumsily pressing her lips against Jaehee’s.

Not wanting to waste the opportunity, Jaehee reciprocated immediately, eager to drown in Jinri’s kisses. Without a thought, Jaehee’s hand found the back of Jinri’s slender neck, anchoring her and tangling in her hair where it was pulled into a ponytail. She steered their kisses to calmer waters, slowing Jinri’s frantic pace and pouring thoughtless emotion into each deep press of their lips.

When they pulled apart, foreheads leant together, Jinri’s eyes stayed closed.

“I thought you said you didn’t like anyone,” Jaehee whispered breathlessly.

“I may have omitted one key person… that I like,” Jinri said, lips trembling with such uncertainty that Jaehee could only lean in and kiss her again to chase away the fear.

Jinri’s first kisses were a little artless, but earnest, and perfect because it was Jinri doing the kissing. It felt, when Jaehee wasn’t floating on a cloud of _kissing Jinri_ , like slotting a tricky piece into a puzzle. Like meeting Jinri for the first time. Like realizing Jinri wasn’t her only friend anymore. Like realizing she didn’t _hate_ girls.

Visibly flustered, Jinri pulled back finally, and untied her ruined ponytail. “So,” she said, still sitting in Jaehee’s lap.

“So… I guess I told that Wonpil guy the truth after all,” Jaehee said with a teasing grin.

“I may have stormed out of our study date after he told me,” Jinri admitted with an embarrassed grimace, standing awkwardly to paw half-heartedly at her bag. “I should text him.”

Jaehee allowed her eye to run down the length of Jinri’s body. “He seems nice.” 

“Yes, I think we’re friends.” Jinri laughed quietly, tucking her chin into her chest. “At the very least, I know he doesn’t want to wife me up.”

“Good,” Jaehee growled playfully, yanking Jinri back down by the waist and reveling in the familiar give of her soft skin. “I got here first.”

Tilting her head to the side, Jinri looked down at Jaehee with an unguarded affection that took her breath away. Jinri’s silky black hair fell around their faces like a curtain, until she reached up to tuck her hair back behind her ears. Seeing Jinri’s ears, still sweet and childish and a bit too big for her face, filled Jaehee with tenderness. 

“It’s not just that you were here first,” Jinri said softly, cheeks round and red under Jaehee’s gaze. “You stayed. You’re my best friend, Jaehee.”

Jaehee arched her eyebrows teasingly, pressing her face into Jinri’s. “And…?”

“And _shut up!_ ” Jinri groaned, throwing her arms around Jaehee’s neck and bowling her over, sending them sprawling across the bed.

“And _girlfriend_ ,” Jaehee amended, staring smugly up at her ceiling from under a flustered Jinri. 

And, yeah. That’s right.

Girlfriend!

Jinri's girlfriend. Jaehee.

Jaehee, Jinri's girlfriend...

Yeah, she could get used to that.

🍎

[“Eww,” Jackie crows in a spectacular impression of Bambi, ““I got here first?” So corny! You didn’t get anywhere first! Jinri basically picked you out of a catalogue.”

“She walked into church for the first time and was like “that one”,” Youngji says with a chortle, pointing imperiously at Jaehee.

“All this time, I was worried about Jinri’s taste in men,” Bambi laments, “it hadn’t even crossed my mind that her taste in women could be _even worse!_ ”]

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! please leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed :)


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